Living With Someone Who Has Hearing Loss

When Harmony in a Relationship Takes an Insidious Turn

A PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

This article focuses on how hearing loss affects the harmony of our relationships with loved ones. While healthcare workers can make adjustments and should pick up those important queues, how do we relate to each other? There are many publications, help networks and internet pieces on hearing loss, so repeating such material is not helpful as it clogs up the objective. How good are we when one or both of us lose our hearing ability?

The insidious nature of hearing loss affects more than the obvious activities in our daily lives, such as understanding medical advice. If we cannot join in a conversation, we are ultimately driven into isolation. The gradual loss makes it harder to accept hearing loss, also known as presbycusis. It is the harmony in the relationship with our partner that suffers most. As we lose hearing over time, there are stages in how loss arises. Hearing tests show loss of low sounds and include an assessment of background sound. The ability to hear in noisy company becomes a problem with age.

The Pardon Factor

The nub of this problem affects communication between different genders. The ‘Pardon Factor’ is one of the giveaways for the family. “Sorry, I thought you said…” is part of the pardon factor, which comes with an explanation to explain why someone did not hear.

There are many jokes about hearing disparity – one partner hears a spoken sentence but one that is incomplete. There is fill-in; a translation to fit the closest interpretation to the piece missing. This is common to many couples when communicating. The problem arises when each believes the other does not speak clearly. Such sparing leads to poor relationship development, especially as we age and spend more time together. There are accusations of not listening. The frustration is that repetition is required. When hearing fails, we then need to be able to see faces. The face is a beacon of communication. Sad, happy and a look of frustration, yes. The lips add to the voice so we can identify words even though we may not hear them.

The Joke

A concerned husband informs his doctor his wife’s hearing is poor. The advice given is to stand a distance away and ask a question. Following the doctor’s advice, he has to keep minimising the distance until she has heard him. By reducing the distance, he is now close and finds she has not replied. At last, she repeats her answer, which he has not heard. Exasperated, she tells him that for the fourth time, dinner is vegetable stew.

This particular story backfires on the husband. While told as a joke for levity, loss of hearing is far from a joke, and both parties are affected, regardless of their state of loss. One partner may have mild loss, the other moderate. In other words, one will be better at hearing. Explaining what was said on the television is another sign when the volume is moderately loud. The TV is by no means exonerated from fault — actors often fail to speak clearly —a form of intended realism which is fine if you are attuned to the local speak, often filled with acronyms. The young do better as they are often more familiar with everyday speech. Music overplays in films, and background information adds to the problem, so the listener competes for a mixture of sounds. It might be easy to select sub-titles, but this removes some of the concentration on the picture or advertises our hearing loss.

Demographics

When asked what age hearing loss arises, the statistics show a marginal increase in males over females between twenty and sixty and a reverse in female prevalence beyond this age. The histogram shows loss across all ages: https://www.nidcd.nih.gov/health/statistics/age-which-hearing-loss-begins.

There are causes for hearing loss unrelated to the deterioration through ageing. For many, it is the insidious nature when the harmony of relationships takes a new turn. The reality is that hearing loss or presbycusis arises earlier than we realise. The statistics in the UK and USA show a greater picture than we might imagine. Presbycusis is a global problem, a problem for the community and a social problem.

 

One in three people in the U.S. between the ages of sixty-five and seventy-four has hearing loss, and nearly half of those older than 75 have difficulty hearing (https://www.nidcd.nih.gov/health/age-related-hearing-loss).

Fifty-five-point-four per cent of American adults with hearing loss are 70 years and older. Projections show a more than 156% projected increase in mild to complete hearing loss in those aged eighty and above.https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/hearing-and-hearing-loss/hearing-loss-common-problem-older-adults#cope

A new analysis by the universities of Manchester and Nottingham in the UK has shown about 18 million people are affected, six million more than previously thought. Co-author Prof Michael Akeroyd used census projections and hoped the results would “encourage more people to realise how common hearing loss is.

Researchers have called for further work to revise estimates and look into the impact of factors like recreational noise exposure and greater population diversity. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/czkkp9g9nl3o

Advice and Practical Tips

Can so we relate better to each other?

The National Institute provides a guide, but both parties have to agree with all guides. It might be worth looking at the recommendations and discussing the actual outcome. The recommendations are sensible but may not always be ideal. We must work to improve communication; there is only one solution—patience!

General Advice

Stand in good lighting and use facial expressions or gestures to give clues—this makes sense, but how many of us think about it when we are anxious to speak?

Ensure only one person talks at a time —not bad advice and suitable for all groups.

Outside Home

Find a quiet place to talk to help reduce background noise, especially in restaurants and social gatherings —this makes sense, but the acoustics and height of the ceiling should also be considered.

Loud music interferes with communication and large gatherings. As we age, many of us avoid such events. Those outside, like a garden BBQ, are better.

At Home

Face the person and speak clearly. Maintain eye contact—the chance of this happening is low, as we tend to forget. The voice from upstairs is lost to the person downstairs. We are naturally impatient and forget, for this is what we used to do when we were younger. Now, we contend with the water tap, the fan, the microwave, the hairdryer, the electric toothbrush, the washing machine, or the dryer when the other person is speaking.

Here are some other standard pieces of advice – probably from those with good hearing:-

Speak a little louder than usual, but don’t shout —all very well, but frustration leads to shouting. I shout because that makes me feel better! Why can’t she listen? The response—there’s no need to shout, I’m not deaf. Try to speak naturally and at a reasonable speed. This reduced one’s blood pressure.

Do not hide your mouth, eat, or chew gum while speaking —the first action can be due to a trait, but holding the hand up prevents the lips from making shapes and diminishing sounds.

Repeat yourself if necessary, using different words—oops, I’m shouting again as it is now the third time I repeat myself!

Be patient. People with hearing loss may also be frustrated by their condition. Stay positive and relaxed. Oh boy, that is good advice, but it’s hard to follow.

What is the answer?

The anger that arises from the loss of communication is real and adds to the development of isolation, withdrawal and a sense of dislike of the partner. What can we draw from this?

• Patience is vital.
• Understanding that both partners may be losing hearing acuity.
• Avoid the problems mentioned above and try hard not to be angry.
• Seek medical and audiology help to remove obvious causes.

Hearing aids & Vanity

Aids for the hard of hearing make sense, and many different types are available. In general, seek a specialist to guide you to the best aid. The most crucial action is to ensure infections and obvious treatable causes can be remedied.  Our cat chewed up two hearing aids, so ensure they are insured, as aids are expensive. The newer rechargeable aids can run out when least expected, so decide if battery-generated forms are better. Are we vain? Yes, most of us are, so leaping to get a hearing aid is not an easy transformation.

The sobering thought is that a 2024 article in the British Medical Journal editorial suggests, ‘The NHS is failing deaf people’ (BMJ 2024; 384: q480). Headings like this don’t instil confidence. However, remember, working to gain better harmony is a full-time task while we are awake.

 David and his wife experience hearing loss, and much of this article is taken from their  experience—we are still working on the problem!

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Thanks for reading ‘Living with Someone Who Has Hearing Loss’ by David R Tollafield

David is a former healthcare clinician dealing with patients and looks at all forms of communicating language. As a former teacher, foot surgeon and author, he has published widely in journals and print, including patient guides. You can also read more about the author on this site.

Published by Busypencilcase Communications Est. 2015. August 2024